The Closest I’ve Come to the Meaning of Life

The ultimate question. Everyone, at some point, wonders… What is the meaning of all this? Why do I feel like I’m constantly trying to get somewhere and don’t know where that is?

I consider myself extremely lucky to have traveled through so many adversities at a young age. That may seem quite backwards to most. In fact, I often question if I really mean that. It’s impossible as a human not to wonder if my life would be “happier” if I had had an easier route to age 27. If at 15 I had fit in, if I hadn’t struggled in a small town to find a love for who I had been put on this earth to be, if who I had been didn’t make people uncomfortable, and in turn, make me uncomfortable in my own skin, if I had not gotten into a few relationships that just fed my skewed idea of who I was. If I could have just seen myself through my own eyes and loved myself from the beginning, would I be better off? I think it’s safe to assume that everyone at some point has had similar questions.

So here I am at 27, and I have given my life more than once, and time and time again, I have fought to take it back. I don’t know who you are out there reading this, but I have a feeling you know what I mean when I say that. And you’re probably wondering why you gave it away so many times. If only you would have kept it to yourself, maybe you wouldn’t be so hurt, so protective, so defensive, so damaged, so…well…you.

But what if that’s the point? What is the point is that you were brave? You were brave and you gave the world, whether that be a partner, a sport, a a family member, you gave your life, your love, your heart to something. And it wasn’t met with your same love, so you had to fight relentlessly to have it back. And it took you months, maybe years to recover. You felt anger, you felt grief, you felt hopeless, but day by day you took it back. It was a pile of bricks and ash, but day by day, you built it back up. Stronger this time, more personalized, more intricate to fit your needs and wants. You built yourself back up the way you wanted.

And what if that is exactly the point? I feel like I have been buried time and time again. So many times, I actually find it hard to believe that I’m only 27. But time and time again, I have risen and built myself back up. Each time, spending more and more time on the details, lovingly stacking those beautiful stones that are the building blocks of who I am into one hell of a life. Then one day, I just stopped. I slowed down and stopped trudging ahead for just a moment. Just long enough to look back at myself and what I had built—at what I had been forced to build. And I fell in love.

Happiness isn’t quite what I felt. I think the movies all tell us that it’s happiness we are looking for, and in turn, we feel that we have failed ourselves and our loved ones when we cannot admit to happiness. But what I did feel, was peace. Was pride. Was love for what I had built from the ashes. One day, I just felt unbelievably lucky to be me. And trust me, it’s not from an abundance of money, from a dream job, or great circumstances. But I feel a warmth in my soul at the thought of who I have become. I feel honored to be standing in the body I am in. And all I had to do was slow down long enough to turn around and look at what I had built, at the shape I had taken.

Some people walk on until they leave this world, never looking back. We are taught to keep pushing on, to never look back. But I don’t believe that to be great advice. Maybe that’s why we never learn to love ourselves, because we never look at the wholeness of what we have become. We can’t avoid the things that happened and looking ahead does not make them disappear. It just keeps us from seeing the good that we have made from it. As a friend and a fellow human, I am asking you to stop and turn around.

Our stories are different—much different. But our souls are kindred. If you aren’t proud yet, I am. I am proud of you and how you have built yourself from the ashes. I may not understand the shape you have taken, but that is not for me—or anyone else—to decide. I just love you for taking shape.

That is the closest I have come to the meaning of life. This is not our first shape, nor will it be our final shape. But it is a shape we should all be proud of. I hope you can stop and look back at who you have become and find not happiness, but a sort of peace that invades your soul and keeps your light burning on the inside. Because we all need a little bit of the light that only you can give the world.

Love,

Taryn Ashley